RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
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I’m a self-made hundredaire
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
When you’re here for the treats.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT