Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
You Might Also Like
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Hey! This isn’t my car!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.