I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
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“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
December birthdays be like…
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
hi why am I like this
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
if a cop pulls u over play dead
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here