When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
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My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I’m aging like a fine banana
*mops up wine with cat*
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back