nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
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Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.