Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
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Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Mountain Goat : )
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.