RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
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Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
this is literally a CIA plant
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
me and the Superbowl rn
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them