Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
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Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.