the composer
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Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
i hope my email finds you on fire
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
There’s only one good girl here!
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.