Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
You Might Also Like
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Oh the world we live in…
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?