[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
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I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
#catsoftwitter
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what