[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
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I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.