what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
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“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I don’t think my car can fly
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
You got this…
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you