[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
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Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
they really do be looking like this
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Wikigenius
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?