[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
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When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.