Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
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Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t