Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
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Yup.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
🔦🌙👣
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.