Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
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Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
But wait…
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
That’s fair
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN