Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
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I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.