@DurtMcHurtt: Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
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@kumailn: Why didn't we learn about essential oils in school? I mean, that shit is ESSENTIAL. Should've been the first lesson!
@freypalm: [comedy club] Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?! Other worms: *silence* Early bird: *cracking up*
@chelliet22: I start conversations with my children by saying "Listen to me," to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
@chuuew: ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror] [ever so slightly later] ME: [dying from massive blood loss]