Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
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Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.