Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
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What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.