Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
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I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
estão todos miauvindo?
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
So creative 😂
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.