my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
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My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.