robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
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[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
The best shot in the history of golf
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.