robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
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long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.