@bourgeoisalien: [robber breaks into my house] i always knew you'd come for me, my darling. where are you going
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@rz0ndy: My hell is a giant Bath & Body Works store ...where all the women answer yes/no questions with "stories".
@MrSpoonicorn: why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
@EndhooS: [On a date at a restaurant] So this is nice huh? "Yea,uh, who's that?" *Dad is breathing on the window and writing 'VIRGIN' in the steam*