@bourgeoisalien: [robber breaks into my house] i always knew you'd come for me, my darling. where are you going
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@MissyBell71: When someone asks me, "Is this seat saved?" I like to say "No, but we're still praying for it" and I laugh because chairs are like, dead.
@Reverend_Scott: A dog needs to be the next president. "A dog can't-" When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war? "I'll start the paperwork."