[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
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Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.