[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
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Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.