robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
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Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]