Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
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Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.