Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
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Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
just left a huge legacy in there
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
You got this…
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap