Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
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ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that