Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
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Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
No regrets in 2018
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.