Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
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There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
How I like cutting carbs
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
New tinder profile pic
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.