[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
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A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I’m not proud
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded