*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
what the hell pray for carter everyone
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.