*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
How I like cutting carbs
My dryer is celebrating lint.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.