[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
You Might Also Like
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
barbara was highly relatable
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.