[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
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Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??