I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
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Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.