[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
You Might Also Like
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
What’s so funny?
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”