*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
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My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?