[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
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It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”