[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
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Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s