[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
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People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Traveler’s camo
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”