[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
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It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
No good deed goes unposted on social media.