[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
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16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”