Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
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Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?