boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
You Might Also Like
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world