Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
You Might Also Like
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Think I pulled my liver
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Europe. Made in Germany.