ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
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When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
goldfish mafia
the battle rages on
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
hackers play passwordle
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach