ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
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I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.