Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
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My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.